I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think a kid would responsible me up
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
