i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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