k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
