I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
