woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
