Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
