someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
