I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
