That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
