When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
