I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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