Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
