Someone shit on the floor
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The Olympian is in my bed
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
