somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
