After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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