My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
