Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
