Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
