I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
