Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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