I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
