so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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