I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She's the barista slut.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
