FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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