The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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