neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
