Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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