After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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