I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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