i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Randomize
