tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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