New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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