I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
