also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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