Can i not drive my cunt home
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
