It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
