At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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