I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
