thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
