God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
