when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
