just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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