the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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