go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
