:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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