im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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