I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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