You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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