Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We need to rekindle our bromance
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
