my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
