Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
