I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
